The Rewire Blueprint
The Rewire Blueprint
The most important work my husband and I did to take our marriage from floundering to flourishing
(plus a special bonus offer below).
"Couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before getting help."
- Dr John Gottman (relationship and marriage expert, founder of The Gottman Institute)
Who is this Blueprint for
Whether or not your spouse is on board with you, this Blueprint is for you if :
(1) You are trapped in recurring conflicts and struggling in marriage, and you want a breakthrough;
(2) Your marriage feels peaceful, but you know you're not really thriving.
Specifically, if you see yourself in one of the following categories, this Blueprint is for you:
You've had the same argument over and over again, you feel helpless and hopeless because there seems to be no resolution.
Both of you still love each other but you don't recognise each other anymore. It's as if life's pressure has revealed your true colours to each other, and you refuse to take this as the "death sentence" for your marriage.
You're tired of fighting, and you've resorted to suppressing your own emotions to keep the peace. You feel like you desperately need an outlet, an explanation and proper tools to help you to disentangle all your thoughts and feelings, so you can move forward again.
Your marriage is at rock bottom, you're ready to work on it but your spouse isn't there yet, and you want somewhere honest yet effective to begin alone.
You've just been cruising along in your marriage and sweeping many uncomfortable conversations under the carpet because you don't want to rock the boat. But you want a safe space to begin those deeper conversations with your spouse again.
Why it doesn't matter whether your spouse is on board
Because this Blueprint is about your well-being first, before anything else.
Because if you're not well, your marriage never will be.
For a long time I was so convinced that the problem in our marriage was entirely my husband's, and that ONLY IF he changed would anything between us change. In hindsight, whatever character issues he has, I, too, play a part in the dynamics of our relationship.
So when I decided to take back my agency, over my own well-being and my marriage's, and started focusing on becoming a better version of myself, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, that's when everything began to shift. I didn't begin this work TOGETHER with him, I began it alone. But look how far we've come now.
You can do the same, too.
What you'll learn from this Blueprint
How conflict usually runs:
Something happens, and a thought automatically arrives in our head about what the event means, an emotion follows the thought, and a reaction follows the emotion. The whole chain runs by itself in seconds, and nobody chooses any of it. Which is why we often feel helpless over the situation - because no matter how hard we try, we and our spouse always default to the same reaction.
The #1 skill to break the automatic chain:
The most important skill anybody can and should learn to cultivate a healthy relationship is the ability to step outside your own thinking, to examine and challenge the thought, emotion and reaction pattern that it triggers. That distance is what lets you see the pattern you are both caught in rather than only feeling it, and offers you the space the pick up the tools necessary to stop any unhealthy patterns.
In neuroscience, this is called metacognition - a form of intelligence of much higher order than IQ.
The four movements that help you develop this skill:
S. See the Pattern. Not all frictions are equal. You will learn to sort your friction and name the one pattern that keeps repeating. And learn the specific system to address each type of friction.
E. Excavate the Roots. You will learn where that pattern began, almost always long before you met your spouse, and what it has been telling you ever since. It is the deepest work in the book, and it explains why you keep reacting the same way in each fight.
E. Examine the Thought. You will learn a proven method for testing whether a thought is true, whether it warrants the level of attention, and for replacing the ones that fail the test. It is the part of this work that outlasts the workbook, because it becomes a skill you own for your lifetime - and it applies to every other areas of your life beyond marriage.
K. Knit Together. If you're doing this with your spouse, you will learn how to bring what you've found back to each other and address them with truth, grace and accountability. But if your spouse isn't onboard, this is where you chart a powerful path for yourself to be the agent of change in your marriage.
Between what happens and how you respond, there should be a pause. This Blueprint teaches you how to grow to grow that space.
What's inside the Blueprint?
There will be multiple tools to help you go through the four movements, but here are the three key ones:
The Conflict Buckets, the sorting tool that shows you not every friction is the same kind of problem, and helps you identify the system to address each one of them.
The Roots Map, a worksheet that takes past painful event(s) and follows it from the emotions you felt, to the message you took from it, to the way it is still showing up in your marriage today.
The Thought Biopsy, the procedure for putting a single conflict thought on the table and dissecting its nature and truth, followed by an action plan to replace/address every single one of them.
**A special bonus for the early-birds
A coaching programme to handhold you from beginning to end, at a price you won't believe
Upon request, I've already started walking real people through the whole programme with me - live - so that what eventually launches has been tested on real life rather than on paper.
The four movements in the Blueprint is straightforward, but it isn't simple - and having someone who has walked through it and thrived would make it so much more effective for you.
Before the official launch I'm considering opening a few more slots, at a price well below what the actual value of this programme. Once this is officially launched, the price will go up significantly. There will be 5 weekly calls, ~1 hour each, with me guiding you step by step, and answering all the questions you have.
If that's something you'd want, just check the interest box in the form below to let me know. Or if you have more questions, or have more to tell me, just email me at [email protected] to let me know. I read every email.